Ok, so I have realized I am at a breaking point with the children.
We have been bombarded with snowstorm after snowstorm here in New Hampshire, forcing the kids to stay inside. Of, course with any children, particularly mine, they get quite antsy no matter what activities you do with them.
By 10:00 am, and three cups of coffee later. I am watching them chasing each other around with shopping carts through the whole first floor, screaming in excitement (you would think they had the coffee). Not that I mind them having a good time, but mommy is working on a novel (and my sanity).
"Girls!" Do you mind going upstairs to play in your room, mommy is trying to write.
Mind you, from 8-10 am we played games, play dough, arts and crafts; so they didn't feel left out.
With some whining and huffs, they go upstairs to play in their rooms.
I sat down at the dining room table, trying to type away (getting stuck on editing, which is a no no).
The screaming and running around continues, then automatic silence. Yes, thank you!
Fifteen minutes of silence is ok for Izzy, the four yr old. But, it is not ok for the 2 yr old, Lily.
I pull out my ear plugs, walking towards the staircase. Lily beat me to the punch, she was walking down the stairs already.
"Lily, why are you naked?" She went upstairs prior, with a full set of clothes and a pull up on.
I was hoping it was more like, "mommy, I have to go poops."
Nope, it was more, "mommy, I went poops."
"Lily, where is your pull up?" She just points up upstairs, and looks down.
I bolt up the stairs, reaching the top... Oh no! She had poop running down the hallway, in her room, and all over the bathroom!
I would like to know what she is thinking when she does something like that. Was there a fight with the diaper and it won? Did she want to get back down to primitive basics, like a monkey, throwing poop?
All the while, Izzy is just sitting in her room, watching tv. When I ask if she noticed Lily in her room, or making all the destruction, she just shakes her head. I couldn't even comment to, I just had to walk away.
So instead of getting that hour to write, I was scrubbing the house and a child. Mommy needs a vacation, or at least a good hiding hole...
"Just Write!" My husband reminds me.
The most basic advice in the world. Why is it so difficult?
I'll read the pages in the chapter I am working on to pick up on the momentum of where I left off. Then it is a waste of an hour, because I will constantly edit it and re-edit it, not adding anything new on the blank pages.
I have told myself over and over (and it is my goal), to just write anything. Why is it so difficult? I can't help but want to critique until it is perfect. But, the truth of the matter is, unless I finish the entire story, chances are it could change and possibly be edited right out in the future. So why do I keep wasting my precious time? Quite frankly, it is driving me batty!
It's like trying to retrain your mind to quite a habit, like eating. If you don't train your mind to eat healthy foods in small portions, you will never re-teach your mind proper habit. I feel just writing is the same thing. It is a hard thing to try and re-train my mind. But, if I don't do it now, it will never come as second nature. Just leading me down a road of frustration and the wanting to quit. We all know, just to quit would be a lot easier. Just to quit like a proper eating habit, feeling down that it was yet one more thing that had beat me.
Although quiting would be so much easier than writing, it is not a possibility. I have gone to far, invested to much of me, and am eager myself to read the end result.
I would of probably made my goal of 170. I just had to quick thinking and just WRITE!
So yet again, like a broken record. I am closing down all Internet pages. Closing my eyes to the blinking cursor and keeping my fingers moving (weather or not there will be comprehendible words on the page, is uncertain).
WISH ME LUCK!
Sunday (Jan 30) Goal of 156- completed! Halfway Mark!
Monday(Jan 31) Goal of 163- 160 Close, but no cigar!
Tuesday (Feb 1) Goal of 170- 166 Falling, Mayday!